My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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