Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
