Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
