I accidentally had phone sex last night
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
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I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
there is glitter all over my balls
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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