this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
this must be what syphilis tastes like
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
