new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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