I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She's the barista slut.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
