I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
