I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
