Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
