I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
