the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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