it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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