I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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