What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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