with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
