Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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