I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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