You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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