my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
