So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
This is the prime rib incident all over again
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
