i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
