I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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