WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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