This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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