can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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