I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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