this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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