He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
