Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
