i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
All I want is dick and wine.
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