The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
