make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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