moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
