When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
