No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
