I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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