i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
