Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
How naked do you want me to be?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
