You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
