You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
