First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
