please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
