You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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