the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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