Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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