I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
