i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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