my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
