i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
