I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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