We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
