I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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