I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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