I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
