you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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