There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
