I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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