She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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