I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
