I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
